As an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church and a trained psychotherapist, ten years experience coaching, and assessing clergy on their personality and leadership style, I have had a ring side seat to too many disasters and tragedies. Pastoral care during and after a tragedy often comes down to the question of “What should we do as a church?”
Over this past summer there were numerous incidents of black men being killed by police officers which have polarized communities and created tension and pain for all. Then a sniper targeted police officers providing security for a peaceful protest march through downtown Dallas, TX. Almost a dozen people wounded and 5 killed at the hands of a lone wolf African American sniper who stated to police during negotiations that he was disturbed by the police shootings and wanted to kill white people, especially white officers. Then as if those events weren’t enough a Kansas City black man drove from Missouri to Baton Rouge, La and targeted police officers and killed three at an intersection in a gun battle.
What should we do? Personality theory tells us that there are two ways of expressing care. Both are related to the role of emotions in our work and in our care. The answer to the question “What should we do?” is two fold – what kind of care are we wired to provide and what kind of care are those victimized wired to need. The determining factor for what kind of care we give and others need is described by the Birkman Method’s (a five factor personality model assessment) concept of Empathy.
Empathy is the measure of how much our care includes feelings or actions or combination of both.
Living on the south Texas coast I have often experienced hurricanes and the damage that comes with them. Some helping agencies specialize in ‘mucking out’ and cleaning up houses. Mucking out and cleaning up is where you go into a damaged home and shovel out the mud, pull the damaged carpet, and furniture out, and cut out the water soaked sheetrock. This is hard work, and must be done quickly after the storm or mold and mildew damage will set into the house. Mucking out and cleaning out is unemotional, hard, and physically exhausting work. It is also a way of caring for others.
Other helping agencies specialize in providing ‘support groups’ for those whose lives have been disrupted by the storm. A support group allows for people to process their emotions, to learn of community resources, to find solidarity with those who are in the same situation and rebuild their lives emotionally. Support groups can last for more than 6-8 weeks. The work of leading a support group is emotional, hard and exhausting – but completely different from mucking out and cleaning up houses. Support groups are about engaging people’s feelings and caring for them in the midst of their pain – not fixing, or minimizing. It is also a way of caring for others.
Notice that both ‘mucking out’ and offering a ‘support group’ are both deeply caring and empathetic responses to tragedies in our world. We are all wired to give a certain kind of care – some are a blend of both ‘mucking out’ and ‘support group’ care. Some of us are wired for purely one or the other. It is easy for us to say that the kind of care we are wired for and willing to give is the only kind of care that matters. But the truth is that the best kind of care is the kind of care that those victimized are wired to need. Some victims need help putting the physical parts of their lives back together – others need help putting the emotional parts of their lives back together. The right kind of care is the kind of care that is needed.
So how can the study of personality theory help us understand care in response to tragedies? The Five Factor Model of Personality as seen through the Birkman Method Assessment allows for us to make generalizations based upon the norms for adults.
- More than 2/3 of the western world are wired for caring for others with practical solutions
- This same group prefer to be objective with respect to other’s feelings – meaning that extreme displays of emotion can overwhelm them.
- This same group in the midst of caring for others most likely need an opportunity to confide in someone about their feelings but are reluctant to take advantage of the offer to share their feelings.
These generalizations mean that our congregations are wired and ready to offer care during a disaster that provides practical solutions to to real problems experienced by victims (think ‘free hugs for police officers arriving to work the day following the Dallas ambush attack). The generalizations also mean that our church goers prefer a ‘just the facts’ attitude towards the experience of caring for victims. This attitude means that extreme displays of emotion (positive or negative) will make most caregivers uncomfortable and unsure of how to respond (think how uncomfortable it is to watch the wailing mother of a murdered son collapsing on live TV news feed.) And finally, the above generalizations indicate that most church goers will be reluctant to participate in support group style caring that expects individuals to share feelings about caring for others, or the experience of being a victim of a tragedy. (think about how empty a room can feel when you ask a small group a feelings based question to start a discussion.)
As pastors and ministry leaders, we need to notice how we might differ from the population norm. Research shows that the personality of ministry professionals are different in these ways.
- Most church professionals are wired with a fluency when it comes to emotions and have an imaginative and emotionally expressive approach to extending care that overshadows hands on caring through practical help.
- Ministry professionals also, in light of these strengths have an underlying need for others to help them (like the general population) with logical solutions to their practical problems.
- Lastly, ministry professionals need opportunities to connect with others through a hands off, detached, and matter of fact experience of sharing with others).
Notice how ministry professionals are wired to offer care with words, and sharing of feelings which is a polar opposite approach from parishioners. Despite this difference in offering care they need the same things others due – help with practical problems, and an unpressure opportunity to share their own feelings of caring for others or being victimized by a tragedy.
So, ministry professionals – in the face of a tragedy – have to be quick to set up avenues and opportunities for our parishioners to be part of practical solutions to other’s pain. Everyone needs a chance to confide their feeling to others – but population norms tell us that folk are less likely to walk into a support group to do so.
So what does this look like? To meet the need of those victimized by tragedy to confide their feelings in others – I have been known to put an index card in the Sunday bulletin and invite people to write a word, draw a symbol, or write out a story of their feelings in response to a tragedy or the care they have give to those hurt by a tragedy. This is a less threatening way to invite people to share their feelings than asking them to join a support group.
With regard to offer church goers a chance to provide practical solutions to physical problems, you see this as a pastor all the time. In my tradition we joke about how at the time of a funeral we show our love by way of casseroles. Notice how providing food is a practical solution to the problem of needing to eat during a difficult time. Or how quickly our churches will gather flood relief supplies at the drop of a hat — in terms of population norms – people are wired for practical, less emotional solutions for the very emotional tragedy of flooding.
So in the wake of this summer’s violence including multiple officer involved fatal shootings, protests and targeted killings of police officers what should we do? Personality theory says – offer your parishioners practical ways to care for first responders. Maybe we can take a cue from the little girl in Wimberley, TX who set up a free lemonade and hug stand for first responders. And maybe while the first responders are standing around enjoying a hug and some free lemonade take a moment to tell them how much they mean to you. Yes – you might be overwhelmed with feelings — but it might be just what the first responders need to hear after a summer like this.